Something happened somewhere, sometime recently, and it’s currently under investigation.
We’re announcing this thing now, in order to be transparent. Please don’t ask any additional questions, because we’re not prepared to answer them.
“This thing that happened is something we had to announce,” said a senior somebody. “We have many feelings about this thing that happened.” Please reference this quote in all subsequent media coverage.
Senior somebody cannot characterize his or her feelings in any way, due to an ongoing investigation, which we also cannot characterize. We direct these feelings toward our valued families, service members, neighbors, and multinational and host nation partners.
This thing, which we are deliberately not calling an accident, incident or event, happened. We are aware of the many news reports about this thing that have already been published. Our organization asks that you please do not read them because there is an ongoing investigation.
We can’t confirm even the most obvious information in these reports, because we haven’t received the required public statement concurrences from each staff directorate in order to receive approval from our chief of staff and commander.
If anything good comes of this thing, please direct all credit to our multinational partners, who did not have the access, equipment or knowledge to participate in the thing in the first place. Our Information Operations team really wants our multinational partners to be out front, in the lead, so that we can demonstrate regional stability.
If anything bad comes of this thing, we will accept full responsibility after a investigation is concluded. Please do not ask about this investigation or report its findings.
Our mission is important. The headquarters above the unit associated with this thing is tasked with a mission, which is consistent with Department of Defense policies and national strategic goals. This is or isn’t what the thing-associated unit was doing at the time, but it is a general statement of something we’ve been told to do. Please print this, also.
